I have reached the point in my life when I’m not out to impress anyone. Take me as I am or it’s your freakin loss”
My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft
If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.”
Don’t worry about what I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”
I and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.”
If Cinderella’s shoe fits perfectly, then why did it fall off? ”
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off. ”
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it. ”
You know you won an argument when the other person responds: "Whatever”
Actually no, my post wasn’t about you. But if the shoe fits, feel free to lace that bitch up and wear it.”
Husband & his wife went for divorce at court. Judge: U have 3 kids… How will u divide them? They had a long discussion with his wife & said #Ok, sir we will come next year with 1 more” joke doesn’t end here 9 months later…. They got twins”
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ”
Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.”
Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life. ”
I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect. ”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver.”
I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”
Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. ”
It’s alright if you don’t agree with me… I can’t force you to be right. ”
At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.”
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.”
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!”
Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say. ”
Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.”
Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.”
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.”
Don’t mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu, and 20 other dangerous words. ”
Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing.”
My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I’m still at work.”
“Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.”
Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”
I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. ”
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.”
Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain. ”
You never know what you have, until you clean your room. ”
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.”
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. ”
My brain is like the Bermuda triangle, information goes in and is never seen again.”
I wish my wallet came with free refills. ”
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.” If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.”
Some people are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can’t live without each other.”
I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90-year-old, the body of a 20-year-old, and the energy of a 3-year-old. ”
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.”
I know the voices in my head aren’t real….. but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! ”
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them. ”
They say that the body is made up of 90% water so… I’m not fat I’m just waterlogged!”
" If someone calls you ‘ugly’ have a good comeback and say ‘Excuse me, I am not a mirror.”
It’s always fun listening to someone’s lie when you already know the truth…”
Don’t make me mad and then tell me to calm down. That’s like shooting someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding.”
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