- I have reached the point in my life when I’m not out to impress anyone. Take me as I am or it’s your freakin loss”
- My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft
- If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.”
- Don’t worry about what I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”
- If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”
- I and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.”
- If Cinderella’s shoe fits perfectly, then why did it fall off? ”
- A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off. ”
- Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it. ”
- You know you won an argument when the other person responds: "Whatever”
- Actually no, my post wasn’t about you. But if the shoe fits, feel free to lace that bitch up and wear it.”
- Husband & his wife went for divorce at court. Judge: U have 3 kids… How will u divide them? They had a long discussion with his wife & said #Ok, sir we will come next year with 1 more” joke doesn’t end here 9 months later…. They got twins”
- My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ”
- Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.”
- Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”
- Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life. ”
- I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect. ”
- When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver.”
- I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”
- Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. ”
- It’s alright if you don’t agree with me… I can’t force you to be right. ”
- At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.”
- Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.”
- You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!”
- Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say. ”
- Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.”
- Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.”
- I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
- Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.”
- Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.”
- Don’t mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu, and 20 other dangerous words. ”
- Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing.”
- My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I’m still at work.”
- “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.”
- Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”
- I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. ”
- It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.”
- Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain. ”
- You never know what you have, until you clean your room. ”
- Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.”
- Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. ”
- My brain is like the Bermuda triangle, information goes in and is never seen again.”
- I wish my wallet came with free refills. ”
- Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
- Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.” If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.”
- Some people are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can’t live without each other.”
- I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90-year-old, the body of a 20-year-old, and the energy of a 3-year-old. ”
- Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.”
- I know the voices in my head aren’t real….. but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! ”
- I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them. ”
- They say that the body is made up of 90% water so… I’m not fat I’m just waterlogged!”
- " If someone calls you ‘ugly’ have a good comeback and say ‘Excuse me, I am not a mirror.”
- It’s always fun listening to someone’s lie when you already know the truth…”
- Don’t make me mad and then tell me to calm down. That’s like shooting someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding.”
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